It just keeps happening.

Losing friends, feeling sick again. I don't know if it's my fault or what it is.

I lost another friend today. I suppose it was my decision and maybe I'm the asshole. I mean, I probably am. But today I talked to a friend I don't speak to that often. It was her birthday so I wished her a happy birthday and we ended up chatting. I thought things were going to be more about catching up what we've been up to and be a nice experience in general. However, when I asked what she had been up to she talked about how she was lonely and recently attempted suicide and was thinking about self harm. For those who don't totally know me, I don't do very well with those subjects as I struggle / have struggled with them in the past. I know self harm well and honestly I didn't think it would trigger me as bad as it did. So I told her I'll be back later. I felt a bit sick in my stomach and I felt the need to just hang out in the shower and listen to music. Don't know why that helps me but it does.

Though I never came back. I decided that the best option would to be to cut off contact with her, and maybe that does make me a bad person. I'll admit I feel a bit guilty not trying to be there to help but I've played that game for the last year and I've gotten hurt doing it and I don't want to play anymore.

I feel for anyone going through any hardship, I really do. But at the end of the day I can't really do to much for you other than say it gets better. I can't guarantee that of course but I'm not a therapist or someone who can change your life. At most I'm a concerned friend and I'm sorry I can't do more for you.

~ Arisu